


Holosuitein' Ain't Cheatin'

by waketosleep



Category: Star Trek (2009)
Genre: Academy Era, Crack, Ensemble Cast, Gen, Rule 34, Shenanigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-09-14
Updated: 2010-09-14
Packaged: 2017-10-11 19:48:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/116281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waketosleep/pseuds/waketosleep
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The greatest lessons at Starfleet Academy are not learned in the classroom.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Holosuitein' Ain't Cheatin'

**Author's Note:**

  * For [vellum](https://archiveofourown.org/users/vellum/gifts).



> Crack crackity crack. This stemmed from one of many inadvisable IM chats with [](http://lazulisong.dreamwidth.org/profile)[**lazulisong**](http://lazulisong.dreamwidth.org/). The title comes from what was clearly the awesomest Facebook status to ever grace my news feed and is only vaguely relevant to the actual story. Last but not least, this fic is for [](http://vellum.dreamwidth.org/profile)[**vellum**](http://vellum.dreamwidth.org/), who was still owed a Trek fic for a donation to Haiti relief she made approximately eleven million years ago. Not quite the prompt she wanted but I hope it'll pass! Thanks for being patient, [](http://vellum.dreamwidth.org/profile)[**vellum**](http://vellum.dreamwidth.org/). ♥

"Gaila," said Jim around his toothbrush, "what the fuck are you doing with that holocam? And how did you get in my room?"

At least, he tried to say that. It came out as a bunch of vowel sounds. He removed the toothbrush from his mouth and spat in the sink before repeating himself, with a bonus glare at her.

"The door was unlocked," said Gaila, attentively following his movements with the holocam as he leaned over the tap for a mouthful of water to rinse.

Jim spat again before answering. "It was definitely locked."

"Well, with a security system like that, it might as well have been unlocked," she said, sounding utterly unbothered. She seemed to be zooming in on his face.

Jim sighed and waved his hands under the dryer before backing Gaila out of the bathroom. "And the holocam?" he asked, already regretting asking.

She stopped recording and started fiddling with settings on the cam. "It's just a project for my xenoanthropology course."

Jim almost relaxed for a second before he remembered he was talking to Gaila. "Explain."

She looked away, but not as though she felt guilty; more like she was embarrassed on the galaxy's behalf by his silly human foibles. "We got to pick our own cultural topic to research. Naturally, I chose pornography."

"Naturally." Jim felt the hairs on the back of his neck prickle as if in warning.

"Did you know that Denobulans are into oral kinks in a huge way?"

The penny dropped. "You just recorded me brushing my _teeth_."

She smiled brightly. "I was also going to ask you if you wanted to co-author for credit!"

***

When McCoy swung by Jim's room to grab him for dinner, he was greeted by the sight of Gaila impatiently fiddling with a holocam while Jim yelled at her about illegal forced entry, informed consent, boundaries, and how his juvenile record was sealed for a reason.

McCoy let himself out again quietly.

***

And so Gaila hauled Jim along to her project advisement meeting the following week. Jim was feeling okay about it until Gaila led him into a corridor he knew, and then stopped in front of an office door bearing a nameplate that made him swallow, hard.

"Commander Spock is your instructor for this course?" he asked in a calm tone with no trace of nervous squeaking whatsoever.

She gave him a quizzical look. "Sure. That's why I'm doing this," she said as she reached out to activate the comm unit on the wall. Jim watched with a sense of helpless inevitability as her finger made contact with the button and Commander Spock ordered them to enter.

They stood at attention behind the visitor chairs. "Sir," said Gaila, her gaze fixed somewhere over Spock's head. Jim let his eyes wander over the impeccably neat office.

"At ease, Cadets. Be seated." Commander Spock's voice was calm and disinterested; Jim's nerves immediately went on edge. Gaila, on the other hand, seemed to instantly forget every nuance of military-trained body language she'd just displayed, and practically melted into her chair.

"How are you, sir?" she purred, crossing her legs and letting her foot bounce absently in the air.

"I am well, Cadet. Who is this?"

"Cadet Kirk," she said, shooting Jim a wink. "Remember how you said I could get outside help if I wanted? Cadet Kirk graciously accepted my request that he co-author the project. He can get anthro credits for it, right?"

The commander gave Jim a look that might have stripped off a layer of skin, and then he returned his attention to the PADD in front of him. "I will allow him four points of credit for xenoanthropology in either science or communications track, provided your completed project reflects due effort on both of your parts."

Jim was sorely lacking in comms credits, if he wanted to graduate from the officer track. "Thank you, sir," he piped up. His senses were still on high alert. He fidgeted in his chair.

"Moving on," said the commander blandly, "I require your project proposal, Cadet Vallar."

Gaila sat up in her chair a little but left her legs crossed. "We're studying pornography in different Federation cultures. My preliminary research has been good, and I found some great examples already!" She beamed.

The commander's head snapped up and Jim jumped into the fray. "We, uh, we're going to adhere strictly to the Academy Code of Conduct for the presentation, sir. We won't do, say or show anything that's forbidden."

Gaila immediately pouted and Jim shot her a quelling look.

"Very well," said Commander Spock. "Have you begun to construct a thesis?"

"Yes! I want to explore the applications of Rule 34 in the scope of the different Federation species and cultures."

Jim itched to put his hand over his face. He gripped the arm of the chair until his knuckles turned white.

"I apologize, Cadet; I am unacquainted with this concept."

Gaila straightened her spine in proud excitement. "It's something I learned about when I first came to Earth. It was invented by humans centuries ago as a guideline for the diversity of pornographic material."

Jim was pretty sure he could kiss those four points of credit goodbye. Maybe also his relatively clean Academy record.

Commander Spock, god help Jim, looked kind of intrigued. "Please elucidate, Cadet."

"Rule 34," said Gaila, "dictates that if you can conceptualize something, there is porn of it."

The commander stared. Jim could hear his blood rushing in his veins. Was the room spinning? It might have been spinning. Maybe if he could faint, he wouldn't be held responsible for this. He thought about holding his breath to speed things along.

Jim thought he heard a quiet snap before the commander suddenly spoke again. "I am sure that this research will prove... interesting. I recommend, cadets, that you create some kind of consent form to be signed by any individuals or entities you may consult with in the course of your work. Cadet Vallar, I would like to see your first draft with references in two weeks. Dismissed."

The commander stood up quickly and herded them out with his aura or something. Jim didn't care, he had permission to leave that room and he was going to move with purpose. He could have sworn that he saw the commander drop two pieces of a stylus on the desk as he turned to flee.

"Consent forms?" Gaila asked, once they'd put enough distance between themselves and the commander's office that Jim felt safe to walk at a normal pace again.

"Probably an excellent idea," Jim agreed, reflexively running his tongue across his teeth and then shuddering. _Denobulans._ He was going to steal that data solid and destroy it before Gaila got any ideas involving sharing, or the fact that brushing one's teeth on vid was not actually against the Academy Code of Conduct.

Gaila was quiet for a second, thinking. "I don't think my written English is quite good enough to put one of those together. I wouldn't want to word it wrong. You?"

Jim shrugged noncommittally and let her take that however she pleased.

"Who do we know who'd write up a consent form as a favour?" she continued. "Ooh! Do you think Uhura could do it?"

Jim bit the inside of his cheek. "Yes!" he said enthusiastically. "I think Uhura is an _excellent_ person to ask to do this. In fact, I don't think there's anyone better qualified."

"Awesome," Gaila enthused. There was a bounce in her step as Jim smothered a reflex of evil laughter.

***

"No," said Uhura as soon as the door opened to admit Gaila into their room.

"But," Gaila started, wearing her best pleading look.

"I don't care what it is. _No._ " She craned her neck to look past Gaila and frowned at Jim, her ponytail falling over her shoulder. "Kirk, get out. You're not welcome in here."

"Yes he is, he's with me." Gaila grabbed his hand and hauled him over the threshold. "We're not here to have sex, he's working with me on my anthro project."

"Really," said Uhura. She crossed her arms over her chest and gave Jim a look that said she trusted their story not an iota.

"Yes, really," said Jim, rolling his eyes and moving to lean against the wall.

"What's the project about?"

"Porn!" Gaila said happily.

"Oh, for...."

Jim took pity on the conversation and turned on the charm. "Actually, _Uhura_ , it's an interesting academic topic. We're looking at what kinds of images and topics are pornographic in different Federation cultures. It's a fascinating idea from a cultural standpoint, studying different species' fetishes."

"Keep telling yourself that, Kirk," Uhura shot back, but she looked a little curious despite herself now.

"Commander Spock says we need a consent form if we involve anyone in our research," said Gaila. "I was hoping you could maybe write us one?"

Uhura looked straight at Jim; she knew what was up. "Well," she said, "I know Kirk is only pretending he knows how to read and write till someone catches him, so I guess you could use the help. I'll throw together something basic for you."

"Oh, _thanks_ ," said Jim, giving her the finger. "You're too kind."

"I really am," Uhura agreed. "It's okay, Kirk. Starfleet has room for illiterate farmboys who fake their way in, too. You'll look good in a Security uniform."

"Ouch." Jim clutched his chest mockingly. "Right through the heart."

Uhura ignored him in favour of relocating to her desk and picking up her PADD. "So what made you decide to research this, anyway?" she asked Gaila as she tapped away on the screen.

"Oh, it was all Jim's fault, really," said Gaila.

"I'm shocked."

Gaila dropped onto her bed with a bounce and leaned back on her hands. "Back in first year, when we first started having sex?"

"I remember that," Uhura muttered, tapping a little more violently on her PADD screen.

"Anyway, I asked Jim to teach me about Earth culture and he told me about Rule 34. 'If it exists, there is porn of it. If there isn't, then you must make some.'"

Uhura stopped working. She looked up at Jim slowly, and then just as slowly shook her head at him. Jim tried to look innocent.

Gaila carried on blithely. "He explained the concept just fine, but I thought he meant it was an actual Earth law. I didn't figure out it _wasn't_ a real Earth law until the end of that year, you know, when I had that little disciplinary thing." She waved a hand in the air nonchalantly, brushing off the memory. "Speaking of which," she said loudly, pointing an accusing finger at Jim, "thanks a lot for that! I was so disappointed when I found out the truth! All that time, I'd been thinking, wow! A Federation planet that finally has its shit together about the important issues. It was like a home away from home! But _no_ , it was all _lies_!"

"You're such an ass, Kirk," Uhura agreed readily.

Jim winced. He did feel kind of bad for letting Gaila be deceived like that. She was impressionable, it was a hazard. "Forgive me, I didn't mean to crush your spirit," he said a little meekly.

Gaila studied him for a minute. "There's one way you can make it up to me. Besides helping me get an A on this project."

"What's that?" Jim asked, although he almost didn't want to.

"Promise me," she said, "that once you're in charge of the Federation, you'll make it a law."

Jim gaped for a minute, and then unwisely looked to Uhura for a little help. She'd put down the PADD and was watching the scene play out with joy in her eyes. Bitch.

Then he relaxed. Who the fuck was he kidding? He'd never get a position with that kind of power. "I promise," he said as sincerely as possible.

"I mean it, Jim," said Gaila fiercely. "You don't fuck around with an Orion about sex."

He put up his hands in surrender. "I _promise_. If--I mean, _when_ \--I find myself in a position of authority, I will make Rule 34 a law." He paused for a beat. "Happy?"

Gaila grinned. "Yes."

Uhura was sizing him up like a snake looking at its dinner. "And I witnessed it. So help me, Kirk, I never thought I'd say it, but I really hope you climb the command ladder fast."

Jim felt yet another urge to bolt from the room. His self-preservation instincts only seemed to be good at recognizing trouble after he was already in it. "So how about that consent form?" he asked quickly. "I think I'm supposed to meet Bones for dinner."

 

THE END

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Federation Legal: Starfleet General Order 10945.1312.b: Concerning Standing Orders from Ships' Commanders: Registry Number NCC-1701 (Enterprise), Under Command of: James T. Kirk, stardates 2258.43-present: Rule 34: Sub-Orders and Amendments](https://archiveofourown.org/works/120639) by [azurelunatic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/azurelunatic/pseuds/azurelunatic)




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